What Fits?

What Fits for You?

Friendship, parenting, marriage, colleagues and coworkers may not fit. When we fit, we feel safe and compatible. When we don’t fit, we may feel disharmony, discomfort, irritation, awkwardness and disagreements. Personalities, attitudes and temperaments are different.

Differences challenge those who are seeking matching perceptions, energies and desires. Some like contrast from which to learn, heal and grow in tolerance, patience and trust. Some prefer similarities which provide comfort and fun, safe and easy connection. Whatever you notice is not working for you, you may want to criticize, fix and change.

As a therapist and relationship coach, I find people often argue to be right and get their way. I occasionally find people who want to listen, learn and understand to make relationships work. When we prefer relating with harmony and happiness, we seek to learn with open-mindedness. Within disharmonious relationships, people can avoid, fight for change or learn to accept differences.

Parents often try to convince their children to agree on attitudes, values and behavior. Spouses often try to change their partner to fit with their fantasy, preference and needs. Employers seek their employees to function with their preferred work ethics and rules. Friends set up expectations and even manipulate to get what they want from others.

There are a myriad of differences and preferences among all personalities. Preferred solitary time or active social time? Fast moving or slow paced? Lots of talking or lots of silence? Spontaneous activity or planned and scheduled time? Need for love and affection or need for service, gifts or quality time together.? Slow in response with need for contemplation or sharing emotionally without thought? Loud and boisterous or quiet and subtle?

What we do with differences determines the quality within our relationships. When we differ and try to change others, there will be discord and stress. When we enjoy and learn to negotiate the differences, there can be expanded acceptance and learning. We may not benefit with those who are incompatible or cannot tolerate our differences.

Consider whether there will be benefit to you and the other in living with the differences. Consider the level of support and encouragement there can be from extreme differences. If what you relate to depletes your energy, perhaps it is better to remove your proximity. If your relationship increases your energy, it may benefit and bless you and the other.

I love differences of thought, behavior and lifestyle and so I learn and grow. When relating to someone who is upset or angered by differences, it is not beneficial to them. It is important to support them in making the change they need for their benefit. Give yourself and others the opportunity to let go and choose again for their own good.

Either party can modify their behavior when together. choose more time and space apart as needed. Everyone is free to do what they need to better learn, heal and grow to their best self.

Trusting us all in our conscious and considerate choices. Betty Lue

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